"Because of my flesh."

I fully recognize that it has been over two months since I have posted anything here. In a logical world, I would try to give some sort of an update on the last two months, but I want to skip that. Instead, I want to talk about the thoughts and revelations that I've had and received over the past few months that have prompted me to write this post at all.

A few weeks ago in Sunday School, we briefly discussed 3 Nephi 1:14. This is Jesus speaking to Nephi, announcing that His birth was only one day away. In so doing, he says:

"Behold, I come unto my own, to fulfil all things which I have made known unto the children of men from the foundation of the world, and to do the will, both of the Father and of the Son--of the Father because of me, and of the Son because of my flesh."

Now, I for years have read this verse as yet another confusing example of Jesus claiming to be the Father and the Son. While I believe that He indeed can be both without conflating the LDS doctrine of the Godhead, it hit me that Sunday that this verse not only doesn't mean that, but that it means something that for me was personally very touching.

See, Christ here is saying that he will have to follow two separate wills: His Father's will, and His own will. Why? Well, He has to follow the will of the Father "because of [Him]" -- because He is the Son of God, who came to Earth for that very purpose. He would be the Messiah, and His entire foreordained role in the plan of salvation was for Him to follow the will of the Father.

But here is what hit me: He also had to do His own will while He was on Earth, "because of [His] flesh." He was going to be mortal. That means He would have to take care of Himself and be faced with real appetites, and perhaps even -- in a certain sense -- real weaknesses.

Throughout Christ's ministry, He would need to take a nap. (Mark 4:38)

He would seek solitude. (Matthew 14:13)

He would cry. (John 11:35)

He would plead for an easier path. (Luke 22:42)

He would receive comfort from someone else. (Luke 22:43)

Now, this is not to counter the fact that Christ is perfect. He most certainly was that. But perhaps it could help us redefine what we mean by perfection. See, Christ healed and taught and served and loved in the most amazing ways, but there were still people who remained blind and sick and unlearned and unhelped and uncared for. Maybe "perfection" in a mortal sense takes into account our "flesh," or our mortality, our inabilities and limitations.

When Isaiah teaches that Christ bore our griefs and carried our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4), or when Alma suggests that Christ suffered pains, afflictions, and temptations of every kind (Alma 7:11), this verse in 3 Nephi brings a certain level of realness to it. Christ didn't just feel these agonies of mortality in some supernatural way; Christ felt it because He was human. Certainly when He "gave no heed unto them" (Doctrine and Covenants 20:22), there was a level of supernatural involved. But His feelings -- those feelings that enable Him to be the perfect Empathizer -- were felt, they were human.

This gives me hope that I don't know if I can really convey in a blog post.

It gives me hope that my human frailties -- and stupidities -- might not be as markedly disgusting to God as they so often feel to me. And it gives me hope that Jesus truly knows what I am feeling, struggling with, yearning for, caving under, and seeking, because He too has gone through life in a situation where He had no choice but to, at least at times, respond to His own will.

I'm Glad They Called Me on a Mission: My farewell post

When I was working on turning in my mission papers (more or less my application to serve as a missionary), I sat down with my stake president to discuss a number of aspects of my preparation for my mission. As the interview went on, I eventually expressed some concerns that I had about going on a mission. Let's be real, leaving home for two years to jump into a 24/7 job of sharing something very personal and important to you with complete strangers is intimidating. Plus, I was quite enjoying my life at home. I was loving college, had a number of members of my fraternity encouraging me to run for a leadership position within the fraternity, had a professor encouraging me to work a little more on my final research paper in order to publish it, and numerous other things that were all showing up at the same time. I explained this all to my stake president; his reply has stuck with me ever since:

"Bracken, I promise you, whether you get called to Idaho or Nigeria, you  will come back changed. And then, you'll look back at these worries you had and you will laugh."

Now, as my mission closes up in about three days, I look back, and I laugh. My mission has changed everything.

We often use the term "instrument in the Lord's hands" when describing our role in God's missionary work. He takes us and utilizes what we have to offer, vastly exceeding what we could ever do without His help. I am always struck by this passage of the Book of Mormon, in which the Lord is represented as a Lord over an olive vineyard, guiding his servants along as they seek to build up his vineyard:

"And it came to pass that when the Lord of the vineyard saw that his fruit was good, and that his vineyard was no more corrupt, he called up his servants, and said unto them: Behold, for this last time have we nourished my vineyard; and thou beholdest that I have done according to my will; and I have preserved the natural fruit, that it is good, even like as it was in the beginning. And blessed art thou; for because ye have been diligent in laboring with me in my vineyard, and have kept my commandments, and have brought unto me again the natural fruit, that my vineyard is no more corrupted, and the bad is cast away, behold ye shall have joy with me because of the fruit of my vineyard." - Jacob 5:75 (emphasis added)

I love that. For the past two years, I have worked with the Lord of this great vineyard in doing His great work.

I've thought a lot about what I would write about for my last post as a missionary. And, in all honesty, nothing great and groundbreaking came to my mind. But, I hope I can share a few things that I have learned on my mission, that might be of some help to you in some way, shape or form.


First, it's that we are not stationary beings. We are constantly moving and changing. David O. McKay famously said, "The purpose of the gospel is . . . to make bad men good and good men better, and to change human nature." I have seen a little bit of all three of those on my mission. I have seen people pull themselves out of some absolutely wretched conditions; yet they weren't pulling themselves out. They found the Savior. They felt the Spirit. They relied on their Father in Heaven. And then They - that divine Godhead - pulled those who I grew close with out of some absolutely wretched conditions.

Again to Jacob 5, this time verse 21:

"And it came to pass that the servant said unto his master: How comest thou hither to plant this tree, or this branch of the tree? For behold, it was the poorest spot in all the land of thy vineyard." 

Essentially, the servant (in this instance, myself) is asking the Lord, "How do you expect anyone to succeed in THESE circumstances? This is the worst situation that anyone could ever be given. There is no chance that this person, in this situation, could change."

But, the Lord feels differently. In the very next verse, He replies:

"Counsel me not; I knew that it was a poor spot of ground; wherefore, I said unto thee, I have nourished it this long time, and thou beholdest that it hath brought forth much fruit."

Isn't that great? "Counsel me not." In Hugh B. Brown's words, this is God saying, "I am the gardener here." God is able to help anyone change.

President Thomas S. Monson quoted a prison warden, who said, "I work with men, and men change every day." For the past two years, I have seen men change.


The second great lesson I have learned is that God is able to make miracles happen, but it is usually in fairly normal ways. I have shared this story before, but it always stands out to me. One night, all of our appointments cancelled and every idea we had fell apart. Eventually, the idea popped into my mind: How about we go through our phone and just call every contact that we don't recognize? Then we can just invite them to be taught!

We went for it. No one really answered the phone, so we left a bunch of awkward voicemails. A handful of numbers had been disconnected. Eventually, though, a girl answered! We talked a little bit as I tried to explain why I was calling her. Apparently, she'd met the missionaries at the grocery store three years earlier, and had passed her phone number on then, but they'd never got a hold of her. Eventually, I just was straightforward and asked if we could come by and teach her. "You know.... I would like that," she said. Honestly, I was caught off guard. I didn't really think this calling strategy would work. But then, she continued, "It's actually weird that you called. I was raised Christian, but have kind of fallen away. My life is falling apart, and to be honest, I am just about at rock bottom now. But, this morning, I prayed and asked God for a way out. Then a few hours later, you called. It's just weird."

I would exchange the word weird for "miraculous."

If this was the only time anything like this had occurred, I could blow it off. But it isn't. As the prophet Moroni said, "My beloved brethren, have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay." (Moroni 7:29.)


The third great lesson I have learned is the importance of the basics. In the Missionary Training Center, they

really harp on revelation through church attendance, revelation through prayer, and revelation through reading the Book of Mormon. It didn't take me long to realize why.

There was one lady we taught who started off very antagonistic towards the idea of religion in general, not to mention a religion which claims that a 14-year-old farm boy saw God. But, we invited her (all right, we pretty much dared her) to read the Book of Mormon in two weeks. She didn't quite make it... it took her about three weeks. It was amazing that she could do that. But even more amazing was the transformation that took place as she did so. The Spirit that is felt as we read that book changed her. That was what converted her, and she was baptized soon after.

Another lady that we taught really showed the power of all three of those aspects taught in the MTC--prayer, scripture study, and church attendance. She'd grown up in about as tough of a situation as I can imagine, and as life went on, it wasn't getting easier on her. In all reality, her whole set of circumstances ruined, if not eliminated, her self-esteem and her feelings of self-worth. As we taught her, I don't think much of what we normally teach sunk in; in fact, I think we taught the Restoration half a dozen times before she finally understood what a prophet was. But here's what did work. She read the Book of Mormon daily. She prayed many times a day. She was at church every single week. When we do these things, we realize that, in fact, "we are the offspring of God" (Acts 17:29) and he cares for us very, very much. Her transformation was absolutely incredible. She too, was baptized soon after.

Watching these experiences were great, but would be empty if I didn't have my own. Two different times on my mission, I hit somewhat of a personal faith crisis. When you are out studying and teaching the gospel all day, it is on your mind a lot. In one of these instances, I began to have some serious questions about the First Vision. As I stewed over these things in my mind, trying to logically sort through them, I was coming up empty. My faith was crumbing, and I didn't know where to turn. One day, I finally decided I needed to put in a little extra work and really find out for myself if Joseph was called of God. That evening, I spent three or four hours scouring over Joseph's account of the First Vision published in the Pearl of Great Price. Not only did I read Joseph's words, I went through every single cross reference. And then, I prayed. It would be foolish of me to try to put words to my feelings here, so I won't try. But it was incredible. The Spirit witnessed to me of the reality of that vision. I would not have that same testimony if I hadn't spent the time to read scriptures and pray.


The fourth lesson I have learned largely stems from that same story of my personal faith crisis. It is that I can testify, with Paul, that, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

I was able to find answers to many of my questions on my own. But this left me feeling just that: Alone. Even
more, there were many questions I could not find my own answers for. I tried to take it on faith, but was coming up empty. Ultimately, I had to seek help. Thankfully, I found it in people who had been where I had been before.

Since that time, I have had multiple people contact me asking me about their own questions and concerns. Members of the Church, non-members, even other missionaries. They knew that I had been there, and might offer some advice or give them some direction.

While my questions and concerns may not me exactly relevant to every person, I have learned a valuable lesson. We are not the only one to have ever gone through the trials we are experiencing. I believe that is part of why we have the Church of Jesus Christ, not just the gospel of Jesus Christ. We need that community to build us up and rely upon.


Fifth, I have learned that the gospel is very real. Not just true, but real. I think this is one of the main things I have learned from the Prophet Joseph Smith. As I wrote on my Mormon.org profile,

Joseph exemplified why "No prophet is accepted in his own country" (Luke 4:24), because he is here and now. We can see him and scrutinize him and tear him apart like no other man. But what does this do? It makes the gospel real. It isn't a message about a far off land of Jerusalem in a far off time in the first century. It is a message for all people in all ages. God hasn't forgotten man. He hasn't overlooked them. He hasn't moved past them. He certainly isn't missing our pains and sorrows and struggles and pleas. The Restoration of the Gospel proves that God loves His children in any time and in any place.

Joseph is similar to Moses, who fought his own infirmities (Exodus 4:10). He, like Saul, often "wast little in [his] own sight" (1 Samuel 15:17). He fought his own "thorn[s] in [his] flesh" just as Paul (2 Corinthians 12:7). Ultimately, he shows the gospel works.

I feel very strongly about this. God works here and now with real people who live in today's world. I have

no idea how God uses a guy like me as a missionary, but He does. I certainly am not Mr. Spirituality 2014, but yet the Lord has worked miracles through me.

But it's not just through me or through Joseph Smith. It is through all of us. The gospel takes the fact that we are highly imperfect people, and it goes with it. Paraphrasing Hugh Nibley, "When it comes to the gospel, it is not so much about our position as our direction." As long as we are moving forward, God works with us. He works with us in all of our stupidity and frailty and ignorance and arrogance. He takes us up in His arms even with our mistakes and slips and bruises. But He doesn't just take us to caress us. He takes us to utilize us in building up His Kingdom.

I have come to love this verse in Alma 29:19:

"And behold, when I see many of my brethren truly penitent, and coming to the Lord their God, then is my soul filled with joy; then do I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me."

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is real because it uses real people, like me. When I see the gospel working in others, I am reminded of how amazing it is that it has worked in me.

Finally, I have learned that Jesus really can "succor [us] according to [our] infirmities." (Alma 7:12.) I have learned that He is very aware of where we are and what our current fears and struggles are. He knows what we long to accomplish, and what is holding us back from getting there. He knows not only what we long to accomplish, but what we are capable of accomplishing, even becoming "sons of God... [who] shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is." (1 John 3:2.)

Joseph Smith once said that anyone called to preach the gospel was foreordained to do so. Alma 13 teaches that those who have the Melchezidek priesthood were foreordained to do so. Jeremiah learned that God knew him before he was even formed in the belly. Isaiah saw himself volunteering, before even coming to Earth, to take God's word to a nation of hardened men who would not listen.

My patriarchal blessing insinuates that my personality has stuck with me since before I was born. Any of you who know me very well will laugh at that a little bit. But to think that God has known me--my goofiness, my struggles, my occasional faithlessness, my arrogance, and all--and still foreordained me to be where I am is incredible.

Only the Savior of the World could get me here. Only through Him can I ever "become holy, without spot." (Moroni 10:33.) I have felt Him strengthen me, and I have witnessed Him strengthen those I have taught. Watching this happen leads me to say, with Ammon, "I cannot say the smallest part which I feel." (Alma 26:16.)

This Church is the Lord's Kingdom once again on the Earth. Joseph Smith truly was the Lord's prophet in these last days. Jesus of Nazareth really was exactly who He said He was--namely, the Son of God, the Messiah, and our Redeemer. Through Him, miracles happen regularly, and people do change. My mission has changed me, just as my stake president promised, but I am not responsible for that. The Savior and His Atonement are responsible for that. My Heavenly Father and His trust are responsible for that. And, in many ways, many of you are responsible for that. I thank you, very, very deeply, for helping me have the best two years for my life.

"That Rock was Christ" - What we can learn about following Israel's example of following Christ

"Moreover, brethren, I would not that ye should be ignorant, how that all our fathers were under the cloud, and all passed through the sea; And were all baptized unto Moses in the cloud and in the sea; And did all eat the same spiritual meat; And did all drink the same spiritual drink; for they drank of that spiritual Rock that followed them: AND THAT ROCK WAS CHRIST." - 1 Corinthians 10:1-4

We often think of Christ in terms of the Messiah, and rightfully so. However, just as Elder D. Todd Christofferson so eloquently stated, "Both as Jehovah and Messiah, He is the great I Am." When the resurrected Savior introduced himself to the Nephites, He said, "I am the God of Israel, and the God of the whole earth." Jesus of Nazareth, the Anointed One, was also Jehovah, the Holy One of Israel. "That Rock" that lead Israel from Egypt "was Christ," Paul plainly taught. And there is so much we can learn about the Savior's role in our lives by looking at His role in leading the children of Israel out of Egyptian captivity.


Getting Us Out of Captivity

The Israel nation had been in captivity for four hundred years. Most of us are not subject to slavery right now, but yet we can easily be put in bondage. In fact, that is Satan's whole plan. He seeks our captivity and desires for us to be enslaved to addictions, self-doubts, frustrations, memories of past mistakes, bad habits, and all sorts of other destructive behaviors and thought processes.

Thankfully, we have "That Rock... Christ." In 2 Nephi 9, Jacob explains the power of the Atonement of the Lord, an atonement that he calls "an infinite Atonement" (2 Nephi 9:7) which proves "the goodness of our God" (2 Nephi 9:10). He describes the ultimate power of Christ, His ability to free us from the captivity of death, both physical and spiritual:

"And this death of which I have spoken, which is the spiritual death, shall deliver up its dead; which spiritual death is hell; wherefore, death and hell must deliver up their dead, and hell must deliver up its captive spirits, and the grave must deliver up its captive bodies, and the bodies and the spirits of men will be restored one to the other; and it is by the power of the resurrection of the Holy One of Israel" (2 Nephi 9:12).

Because of the incomprehensible love of Jesus, we can be freed of death. We can live forever. Even more, we can live a live of eternal bliss with our Father whose name is Eternal. Later, in verse 45, Jacob pleads, "O, my beloved brethren, turn away from your sins; shake off the chains of him that would bind you fast; come unto that God who is the rock of your salvation" (emphasis added). We have the ability to shake off the chains of bondage with which Satan seeks to hold us captive, if we will only come unto That Rock.

The Apostle M. Russell Ballard testified, "Set aside all pride and turn your life and your heart to Him. Ask to be filled with the power of Christ’s pure love. You may have to do this many times, but I testify to you that your body, mind, and spirit can be transformed, cleansed, and made whole, and you will be freed."

I echo his testimony. The Great Jehovah could lead millions of Israelites away from the grasp of Pharoah through such miraculous means as plagues of frogs and rivers of blood, surely the Great Messiah can lead you out of any captivity you face. Go to Him and trust in His Atonement. He can free you now. And, because of His resurrection which we memorialize and commemorate this Easter Sunday, He can free you for eternity.

Getting Us Through the Red Sea

When teaching Oliver Cowdery, the Lord said, "Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground" (Doctrine and Covenants 8:3).

Isn't it interesting that God uses the story of the Israelites going through the Red Sea as the prime Matthew 16:16-17)? Of so many grand stories of revelation, why this one?
example of revelation? Why would He choose this story over so many other examples, such as the First Vision which was so intimate to Joseph Smith and surely would be a powerful lesson to Oliver? Why not reference Peter having the fact that Jesus was "the Christ, the Son of the living God" be revealed to him by his Father in Heaven (

Jeffrey R. Holland answers this question:

"The Red Sea will open to the honest seeker of revelation. The adversary does have power to hedge up the way, to marshal Pharaoh’s forces and dog our escape right to the water’s edge, but he can’t produce the real thing. He cannot conquer if we will it otherwise. 'Exerting all [our] powers to call upon God,' the light will again come, the darkness will again retreat, the safety will again be sure. That is lesson number one about crossing the Red Sea, your Red Seas, by the spirit of revelation."

Elder Holland later points out that as the Egyptian armies get closer and closer to the children of Israel, they become afraid, somehow forgetting the miraculous happenings that got them out of slavery in the first place.

We all face our Red Seas. We feel like we are finally out of captivity. Finally out of our addictions. Finally out of our dreadfully painful grief. Finally out of our heartache or anger or loneliness. Yet all of the sudden, we run right into our Red Sea, a sea so wide that there is seemingly no way to circumnavigate it. Meanwhile, the forces which held us captive in such recent memory are moving steadily closer and closer, and we start to feel as though they are most certainly going to control us again.

And this is where revelation comes in. Even more, this is where "That Rock... Christ" comes in. Just as we feel completely surrounded by failure and trials, if we will but call upon God, He will tell us what to do. It might seem crazy. I'm sure Moses wasn't planning from the onset of their journey to

What Kind of Obedience are You Obeying?

The scriptures clearly teach that the Law of Moses was a "schoolmaster" (Galatians 3:24) to teach Israel how to prepare for the coming Messiah. Nonetheless, when Jesus came, they fulfilled Isaiah's prophecy and "they stumbled at that stumblingstone" (Romans 9:32; see also Isaiah 8:14). We also learn in Galatians 3:8 that Abraham, well before Moses, received the gospel. Not the "torah" or law, but the gospel. In Romans 5:20, it says "the law entered," but the Greek word translated as "entered" enlightens the story significantly. The New Testament Institute manual expounds on this, saying:

"The Greek word Paul uses here that is translated entered means literally 'to come in by the side of.' In classical Greek it was often used of actors in the theaters who played a supporting role and who would come on stage from the wings, play their part, and disappear again."

Now, this is all really just setting up what I want to talk about in this post. I don't want to talk so much about the purpose of the Law of Moses as I do the purpose of not being under the Law of Moses anymore. The scriptures make it clear that the Mosaic order was meant only for a limited duration. It was a lower law, preparing the world to again receive the gospel. However, in a lot of ways, I feel the Latter-day Saints--modern day Israel--live the commandments in a very Mosaic way. Let me explain!

One of the major problems with the Law of Moses was that people started playing "The Price is Right" with it. They wanted to see how close to a certain standard (albeit a lower standard than was either previously set or later restored) they could get, without going over. This lead to the creation of some almost silly rules. One of my favorites is the tradition of just how much food you could take out of your house if it was burning down on the Sabbath; enough for three meals if it was in the morning, enough for two meals in the afternoon, and enough for one meal in the evening. There was a bar set, and the Jews wanted to get to that bar, but saw no need to extend themselves further than that.

Then came Jesus. Jesus scrapped this minimum standard, and demanded much higher. No more eye for an eye (Matthew 5:37). Love everyone, not just your friends (Matthew 5:44). Even looking lustfully will count as adultery (Matthew 5:28). Really, the Savior epitomized the point He was making in this straightforward statement: "Be ye therefore perfect" (Matthew 5:48). There was nothing above the bar anymore. We could not get close without going over, because there simply was nothing over the standard He set.

Luckily, we have the perfection of Jesus - the very Man who set this high requirement - to rely upon. He "is the advocate with the Father, who is pleading [our] cause before him—Saying: Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased" (Doctrine and Covenants 45:3-4). We can now "come unto Christ, and be perfected in him" (Moroni 10:32). We are invited to take the Lord's yoke upon us (Matthew 11:29) and work side by side the strongest Being in the universe.

Still, Jesus made it clear that obedience is still necessary. "If ye love me, keep my commandments" (John 14:15). "Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you" (John 15:14). "And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46). "For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works" (Matthew 16:27). Elder Robert D. Hales recently said, "Of all the lessons we learn from the life of the Savior, none is more clear and powerful than the lesson of obedience."

But what kind of obedience are we living? Our obedience now is striving to obey alongside the Savior, relying on His perfection and His enabling power to help us become more like our Father in Heaven. We are striving for perfection with the Perfection. We are obeying out of love, and we must

My Own Gospel Lens

What does this picture

have in common with his one?

 

What do either of them have in common with
this one?

Is there anything that all four have in common?

Now, there really shouldn't be much resemblance that you can see that would really make sense here. You could probably really stretch it and come up with something... but good luck. However, there is one thing in all four pictures that is so obvious that we overlook it entirely: The lens.

In the gospel, I have found that we all have lenses through which we see the world. Just like with these pictures, if we didn't have a lens, nothing that we see would maintain the same level of beauty. Things would be out of focus. The colors would melt together. The majesty of the image would be lost entirely. We would go from some incredible shots to some odd melted picture where we know something is there, but can't completely identify what. There is a picture of a lens in every photograph, and it decides everything.

Recently, I did a series of posts about some "Incomprehensible Joys" of my mission. Looking back and thinking on some of these experiences was incredible in and of itself. It got me thinking of more and more experiences. Most of these aren't very bloggable. They are conversations, quotes, and feelings I have had. Even the ones I shared I am positive are more dear to me than they are to any of you who read them. These all contribute to the lens through which I see the world and through which I see my religion and my God.

Even through all of this, there is one experience that I would say is the very essence of my lens. I am an odd sort, definitely not the common missionary. I like to seek questions so that I can eventually seek answers. It really is a bad habit that I sometimes take too far. It leaves me troubled for days or more sometimes, and yet in the end solidifies my testimony even more when I finally find the answer. Most of the principles I have the strongest testimony of are the very principles that were once the most in question for me.

I want to share an experience of my own conversion. My own incomprehensible joy, you might say. It has become the central anchor in my testimony, because it starts with my testimony being all but destroyed. Really, it is the lens that I see everything else through.

I went to college at Utah State University for a year before my mission. Loved it! Definitely where I was supposed to go. While the classes are admittedly not the most elite, the opportunity for student involvement was incredible. One of the activities I jumped right into was writing for the school's newspaper, The Utah Statesman. In my second semester, I was given a pretty minor assignment to cover an interfaith luncheon held at the LDS Institute. I went, interviewed the institute director and a few student of various faiths who were present, and finally I got to interview a religious leader from a non-LDS faith. His name was Jason, and he headed up a Born-Again Christian group there on campus called the Navigators.

I'm going to interrupt my story here and emphasize that I hold Jason in the highest regards. Even after this story, he and I have kept a very dear friendship and talk fairly regularly. I have no question that everything he did was truly looking out for me and my best interest. I want that to be very clear.

Anyways, our interview went well. It stayed more about the event than about his beliefs, since it was for a newspaper. But, only a month or so later, I was surprised to see Jason again! This time, he was speaking to my fraternity, Sigma Phi Epsilon. Our SigEp chapter was overwhelmingly LDS, so we wanted to have representative of other faith groups come and talk a little bit. Jason was first up. We had some great conversations about the differences in his beliefs and our own. Bit by bit, though, my fraternity brothers had to go. Eventually, some two or three hours later, it was just me and Jason talking with each other. He soon had to go home to his wife and kids.

I ran into Jason a third time a couple weeks after we talked at the SigEp event, when we were walking opposite directions across campus. We said hello, and he said he'd been thinking a lot about our conversation and wanted to talk some more over dinner sometime. I was all for it, so we decided after finals week, we would go get some Costa Vida.

We did just that. We ate and talked, mostly just about our lives. Eventually, the conversation transitioned into religion. We compared our beliefs and just had friendly give and take. "I believe this because of this"... "Well, I believe this because of this." It was great fun. But, after we sat in the restaurant for three hours (not exaggerating!), we decided it was time to go! But, we made it a weekly habit. Usually we'd meet at either Costa Vida or Café Rio, but on occasion we'd just meet up at the SigEp house. I had a blast with those conversations!

Now, to put this into perspective, I received my mission call in March. This was all taking place in May and June. I was within a few months or reporting to the MTC on July 5.

Well, one day, our conversations took an interesting turn. Jason started talking about grace. He showed a few scriptures in the New Testament that really seemed to emphasize that our salvation is all about grace through faith and faith alone. He pointed out that the LDS doctrine of obedience to commandments, the necessity of baptism, and the emphasis on the temple contradicted this teaching. I threw out a few feeble, "faith without works is dead" lines, but I was unconvinced, myself. Here were Bible verses that seemed in direct opposition to what I'd been taught. And yet, Latter-day Saints love and adhere to the Bible. How could this be?

I don't know if I can fully explain how I felt. Here I was, about a month from going on a mission, preaching a message that I didn't fully believe myself. It seemed that, with the LDS Church, I would be going to Hell, and then as a missionary I'd be dragging souls right down with me. The best way to describe my feelings would be that it felt like I had just finished a long race, only to get whacked in the stomach with a baseball bat at the finish line. It was a disgusting, queasy, complete uneasiness. Here I was, about to go for two years to Rochester, NY, and I was pretty convinced that my beliefs were false.

The thought and worry stuck with me for days. (That may not sound like long, but my mission was coming,

and it was crunch time.) Eventually, at work one day, I was reading a Conference Ensign, and found this advice from Elder Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve:

"When I am faced with a very difficult matter, this is how I try to understand what to do. I fast. I pray to find and understand scriptures that will be helpful. That process is cyclical. I start reading a passage of scripture; I ponder what the verse means and pray for inspiration. I then ponder and pray to know if I have captured all the Lord wants me to do. Often more impressions come with increased understanding of doctrine. I have found that pattern to be a good way to learn from the scriptures." (How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life, April 2012.)

I didn't really have a chance to fast since I read this in the afternoon, but that night, I went home and prayed. I told my Father in Heaven that I needed help now. I needed to know the truth now. In the Church, we talk about praying with real intent a lot. As missionaries, when we teach investigators to pray about the Book of Mormon, we emphasize that they need to pray with the real intent of acting on their answer, of being baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ if the Book of Mormon is true. As Latter-day Saints, we are really good about praying with the real intent to stay with the Church and keep following the prophet and keep believing that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, but I don't know how often we pray with the real intent to do otherwise if that is what God tells us.

This time was different. If God had told me that the whole Church was a farce, I would have been done. If God had told me that a mission would be detrimental, I wouldn't have gone. Possibly for the first time in my life, I had REAL real intent.

After I prayed, I didn't really know where to go, and didn't have any overwhelming direction one way or the
other. So, I figured I would just read Romans 3-5, as Jason had suggested earlier. I did decide, though, that I would read chapters two and six, just to make sure I had a better sense of the context. With these chapters and even the message of chapters three, four, and five surrounding the verses Jason had used, I realized that I wasn't quite as damned as I had felt. With a few references to Doctrine and Covenants and other verses of the New Testament, I saw that I wasn't fully done for. But... all the while, there was nothing too convincing that I was reading one way or the other. Maybe I wasn't so glaringly wrong.... but I didn't feel too overwhelmingly right, either.

As I read through the chapters of Romans, I kept seeing cross-reference after cross-reference in the footnotes to Alma 42. I seemed like Alma 42 must have been just the companion chapter of the Book of Mormon to Paul's Epistle to the Romans! Looking back, it is interesting to note that, in those five chapters, there were only three footnotes to Alma 42. But to me, it seemed like there must have been at least a dozen. Anyways, I decided that once I finished Romans 6, I would just go and read the whole chapter of Alma 42.

This turned out to be possibly the most important decision of my life.

Alma 42 is a lesson Alma is teaching his son Corianton. Corianton doesn't understand how justice and mercy can coincide in the same God. Alma goes through and explains that justice must be paid, but mercy will claim the penitent because of the Atonement of Christ. In my mind, it was the perfect explanation of how works (justice) and grace (mercy) work hand-in-hand. I was pretty stoked while reading it. But then the chapter ended with a few verses that I can never forget. Keep in mind, I was about a month from going on my own mission, and that was really what troubled me the most.

"And now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance. O my son, I desire that ye should deny the justice of God no more. ... And now, O my son, ye are called of God to preach the word unto this people. And now, my son, go thy way, declare the word with truth and soberness, that thou mayest bring souls unto repentance, that the great plan of mercy may have claim upon them. And may God grant unto you even according to my words. Amen."

Here I was, a boy about to go on a mission and struggling to understand the nature of God's justice in order to know if I should really go on a mission. What happens? I read a talk by an Apostle of the